There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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