i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
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There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
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I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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