You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Dicks are not precious.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
