and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
