U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
