So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
God, I missed his penis.
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