i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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