my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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