Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
