i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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