when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
