Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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