Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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