Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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