I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
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