I'm so fucking centered right now
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
