I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
