So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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