I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
My life is pants optional.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
