I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
