It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
