I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
