i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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