Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
