are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
