I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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