Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
