i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
