He uses pillows to masturbate.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
