If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
