my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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