Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
