You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
