I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
he thought i was a dude.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
