someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
