i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
