i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
