Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
