Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
