best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
