No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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