I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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