he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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