I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
