I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
stop calling my apartment porn island.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
