he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
