Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
