i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.