She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
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You and the dog were competed for the water dish
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone