Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
