you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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