I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
