i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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