When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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