The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
