Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
