I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
