no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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