Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning