Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
