i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
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I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(