you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
